It took me nearly eight months to sit down and write a post about anything. The past two years have been fraught with all sorts of RL difficulties, some of which were exacerbated by in-world events I hinted at in some of my past posts. It was a very hard, uphill struggle, but I found the courage to carry on through therapy and all other efforts I took to pull myself up. Now, our (yes, our) life seems like it’s back on track. Getting my life back and getting it back in order was an arduous, painstaking process, and it necessitated a serious offloading of baggage – and much of this baggage had to do with SL. A clean-up was in order.
Much has been written about a type of relationships generally referred to as “D/s”, where “D” stands for “Dominance” and “s” for “submission”. This type also includes BDSM relationships, where the dominant part of the relationship or encounter takes pleasure from causing physical and / or other forms of pain (such as emotional) to the submissive part, and the submissive part, in turn, derives pleasure from surrendering to the dominant part and receiving what the dominant part wants to give to them.
In erotic and romantic literature, whether in the form of essays, diatribes, novels, poems or what have you, engaging in D/s relationships has been both derided and dismissed as a sign of a disturbed soul and, every bit as much, revered, even discreetly and sometimes not without a bit of demure shame in more mainstream writing, as a higher form of emotional and carnal immersion. The concepts of willing submission, consensual slavehood, dominance, discipline, willing acceptance of humiliation and bodily pain – or even need for humiliation and bodily pain – all have contributed to the creation of a mystique around D/s, which enjoys the image of an almost spiritual type of romance, as opposed to the “plain”, “vanilla” relationships, where the participants are equal to one another.
NOTICE: The article below deals with adult and fetish-related topics and fantasies. If you are offended by such topics or are not a legal adult in your jurisdiction, I suggest you leave this instant.
In a now-deleted post about the “loving dominant”, which was inspired from and based on Inara Pey’s post of the same title, I negotiated what makes a good Dominant: the one that’s called “the loving Dominant”. One would think this topic has been covered to death, but it seems the misconceptions are a veritable Lernaean Hydra, and I’m sure shoddy depictions of the D/s scene by such films as The Secretary and such books as Fifty Shades of Grey and Histoire d’O have played a significant role to this.
I won’t hide: I’ve come to the point where I actively avoid the D/s and fetish scene in Second Life, even though I have adopted a very kinky look as my main, even though I define myself as a submissive. Why’s that? Because I’ve found out I have too little in common with the vast majority of the people populating that scene. Typically, the erotic roleplay is shallow and vapid; far too many submissives only want some instant gratification without any emotional connection to the other party / parties involved; and, finally, far too many “Dominants” are actually poseurs full of contempt for submissives, using their “Dominant” identity as an excuse to hurt others.
NOTICE: The article below deals with adult topics and fantasies and contains fetish imagery. If you are offended by such topics and / or are not a legal adult, I suggest you leave this instant.
It’s been a long time since I last posted anything related to D/s and fetishes. Truth be told, events beyond my control have meant I’ve had very little time, and even fewer opportunities, to indulge in moments and thoughts of this kind. Also, the blog had taken a more “mainstream” direction, towards which I’m rather ambivalent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m usually content using my blog to express my views on topics that have nothing to do with sex, romance, or sexuality, but there are times when I feel I keep pushing certain thoughts back.
It was a (now sadly deleted) by Sian Pearl over at her parthenoid blog that set the gears into motion again. In that post, Sian expressed her extreme distaste for the Neuropuppet (pictured above): A cyberpunk drone play attachment for female (mostly) Second Life avatars she had made on request, based on drawings by Dreampaint Loon. To cut a long story short, this attachment consisted of a face-concealing mask with a drone communications light source on its forehead, and a spine-like rigged mesh attachment, which ended up covering the nether regions. The entire rig also penetrated the female avatar in all three orifices.
NOTICE: The article below deals with adult and fetish-related topics and fantasies. If you are offended by this sort of material and/or are not a legal adult, I suggest you leave this instant.
UPDATE 25 July 2017: Feel free to ignore the wall of text under the update notices. I no longer feel it expresses me, because I’ve grown way past the stage of sadness, shame, self-doubt and depression. Time to give you the TL;DR about it; we need to be brutally honest and blunt as hell: The “drop” is a sorry-ass euphemism that dom(me)s use when they’ve lost all interest in their sub. However, rather than having the decency and honesty to tell the sub up-front that they need to break up, they keep the poor sucker hanging on, as a crutch for their egoes, as a sounding board, as someone who’ll be always ready to respond and cater to their every need, while they hunt around for someone new, regardless of whether the new relationship is within a D/s concept or not. I should know, because I speak from experience – and other (former) subs have come to me and shared astonishingly similar experiences. So, when your dom(me) starts babbling about having “dropped”, just walk away. No. Don’t walk. RUN.
Oh, and learn to appreciate yourself more. The overwhelming majority of dom(me)s need the reverence, the deference, the submission, the surrender, the adoration and the adulation they get from a sub to justify their existence anyway – in this way, they’re every bit as needy (for lack of a more appropriate term) as a sub, if not more; like mosquitoes, they feed on the lifeblood of a sub’s mentality, which is basically an overblown need (stemming from other, unresolved, issues) to be accepted – and, to satisfy this need, the sub will invariably bend over backwards to satisfy the dom(me)’s every whim. As for the “sub drop”: It’s usually a consequence of the “domme drop” or a “scene” in which a little alarm bell rings inside the sub’s mind and warns them that what’s happening is not loving or sensual, but emotionally exploitative. I have also changed the title to reflect my current opinions and feelings. Also, have you noted that most articles that describe the desirable types of dom(me)s and subs are written from the dom(me)’s point of view, looking down upon the “lazy” sub and the “sub who tops from the bottom”, i.e. the sub who “doesn’t know his/her place” and has the… nerve to express ideas and desires and – Heaven forbid! – address the dom(me) as if they were equals?
On a final note: If you’re a dominant and you feel offended by what I have to say, I’m in the pleasant (for me) position to tell you that your opinion doesn’t matter at all, that the mere fact that you need to have power and control over someone else in order to get sexual satisfaction means you have serious issues, and that you can shove your impressive titles and paraphernalia up your self-important rectum.
PAST UPDATES: This article has been updated before on 22 September 2013 and 27 July 2016.
A relationship – friendly, professional, romantic, sexual – is, at its heart, an exchange between the persons involved; a process of giving and taking, which can also last for quite some time. D/s relationships are no different; the Domme and the sub engage with each other and there is a constant exchange of actions, behaviours, communication and feelings between the two (or more, depending on the situation). Now, this exchange sometimes might be stronger on one side than on the other, but it is not one-way. This differentiates a D/s relationship from the “exchange of power” (often referred to as TPE – Total Power Exchange). TPE does play a role in D/s relationships and BDSM play, but it is not absolutely necessary for a D/s relationship to flourish. Furthermore, power exchange is predominantly one-sided, i.e. the submissive gives the Dominant power over them – whereas a relationship is a two-way exchange, and this two-way exchange encompasses a lot more than just power. Within a relationship, one side “feeds” off the energy (actions, behaviours, communication and feelings) of the other and vice versa. So, in a D/s relationship, the submissive “feeds” off the Dominant’s energy, and the Dominant can take encouragement, pleasure and energy in the sub’s responses to their exercise of control over them. It is important to note here that this exchange of energy, which is two-way, is free and subconscious, as both sides often don’t realise it’s happening.